Portland Maine Men's Roller Derby
Info: In a galaxy far, far away, a shady figure rises from the mist of foreverness…
Likes: Yogurt Peanut Clusters!
DisLikes: Slow drivers who speed up when you attempt to overtake them.
Why Roller Derby: I get to skate.
Favorite Roller Derby Moment: Taking a hit from Punchy O’Guts and was still skating.
In 1991 at the young age of 8 TUGBOAT inspired a professional wrestler- Fred Ottman- to bring the job of a tugboat captain and more specifically the TUGBOAT as a vessel to the forefront of the squared circle as he assisted Hulk Hogan to defeat Earthquake, Canada’s Strongest Man (psht). With a triumphant “toot-toot” wrestling fans, nay the nation as a whole were at once awe struck.
Never before had man pondered the perplexities of how a small boat could push around a big boat. Think about it. Top three things that should make a person go “whoa” in nature. 3. Bumble Bees- they have itty-bitty baby wings but can still fly. People don’t really care though because they’re just insects. 2. Magnets- this is the only instance where it can be said ICP got it right. 1. Tugboats- enough said. Fact: a tugboat can push a boat that it is only 7/10^503 the mass of. That stuff is crazy. Can you push around something that weighs like almost infinity more than you? Didn’t think so. You’re not a tugboat.
Fortunately, unlike his evil twin brother (like doppelganger style) TUGBOAT is on the side of good and genuinely wants to save the world from irresponsible ship captains and “natural” “disasters” like “hurricanes” and “tsunamis” and “dragonquakes.” Every time there has been a “natural” or “man made” “disaster” the only solution would have been tugboats or more specifically TUGBOAT. Think about it. Tsunami that hit Japan, broke a nuclear reactor all Godzilla style and all that. What would have prevented it? TUGBOAT. Hurricane Sandy? TUGBOAT would have been able to stop it. BP oil spill? Obvs. TUGBOAT again. That 4.3 earthquake in Hollis, Maine? You already know the answer. TUGBOAT now stands ready to be there in the event of an emergency. Kinda like how Gotham had to go to hell before “Batman” got his act in gear. Well. Anyways, TUGBOAT is at your service. “Natural” and “man made” “disasters” of the world. You have been warned. Oh yeah, ummm people on other roller derby teams, you’ve been warned too.
Everyone needs to eat and when the Not So Jolly Rogers come back from a bout or some good old fashioned pirating, they look no further then their own goon from the galley, Colin D. Shots. Once a promising culinary arts student, Colin was expelled from numerous schools because his cooking style was deemed “too violent and extreme” for the chef’s tastes. Left to wander the culinary world as a masterless chef, he spent his time honing his craft in some of darkest, vilest places one could imagine; where violence was merely a side dish to cooking skill. He quickly rose to the top of underground culinary death-matches and it was then that he was invited into the Not So Jolly Rogers. Seeing this as a chance to show the world what he could do, he jumped at the opportunity; and as for the Rogers, well now they didn’t have to worry about scurvy anymore.
Some people say that he’s worked as an assassin for Anthony Bourdain, some people say he’s the only person to see Rachel Ray’s true demonic form and some even say he got Gordon Ramsay to apologize for being a jerk. But one thing is known for sure, cross Colin D. Shots in the galley or on the track and he’ll serve you up on a silver platter before you know it.
Born in the darkness of the underworld, the Kraken is a monster feared by all Pirates and Scallywags. His fierce life has brought misery and pain to many. Many years ago, whilst battling a terrible foe, Kraken was struck by a great streak of lightning. After diving in the depths of the sea to recover, the beast has resurfaced. He is known as, Kraken Thunder. Raging through the seas like a great storm destroying every dinghy, sailboat, and TUGBOAT in his path…until now. No one is sure why he learned to roller skate, or even more mind bogglingly, HOW? But one fact stays true, Men of flat track roller derby beware, the Thunder is Kraken.
For an eternity his domain was the sea, and he ruled with little mercy. On a whim he would pull even the strongest of men down into the unforgiving, crushing darkness. His incredible might was unmatched by any man. This was before he saw a roller derby bout. What he witnessed was a showing of such raw power that the Heavens and the Earth shook. Not to be outdone by mere mortals, he strapped on a pair of skates. Thus began a new epic. This is the tale of Broseidon.
Way down Casco Bay close to Portland Maine
Way back up on flat track be deelin’ some pain
He skated so fast you’d think your eyes where blurry
That Not So Jolly Roger named Upcheck Berry
He never ever learned sing or play guitar so well
But he could skate through the pack like ringing a bell
Go-Go, Go Upcheck Berry Go!
The name’s Wack Nicholson. His friends call him Wack; but until you’ve exchanged a handshake and either a hug or a high five with him, he’d appreciate being called Mister Wack. It was 1989 when Wack Nicholson was born in California. Hours after his birth, California was struck with the deadly Loma Prieta Earthquake. Wack had arrived.
Years later, Wack instigated a deathmatch that left two cows down. And Wack was very sad. Since then he has gotten along all right. In fact, some have gone so far as to speculate that Wack is the only person on earth who could beat Chuck Norris in a staring contest. Recently, he wandered into the realm of roller derby: the ultimate fusion of refined dexterity and sheer brutality. To compete at the highest level one must keep it real… Wack Nicholson keeps it real.